I’ve got a problem, and I think you might too.

I get lost.

Not literally (although I probably do more than I’m proud to admit), but figuratively.

I’ll get lost in my goals and actions. My values get mixed up, or my priorities misaligned. And it’s oh-so-easy for me too…

Probably monthly, I find myself acting in a way that isn’t aligned with my values.

I’ll be mean. Or distant. Or I may start pocket watching/comparing on social media. Sometimes it makes me wish I was making more money, which urges me to start posting clickbait on social media so BetterLife can grow in that direction (which isn’t my goal anyways lol).

And that’s just a few BetterLife-related examples. There’s plenty more.

Stuff like that happens a lot, and I’m probably lying saying it’s not more frequent than monthly.

Up until last week, it’d been a really long time since I was this aware about my awry wandering though.

I’ll be honest, lately it’s been tough for me.

The move from Arizona was super taxing, physically and mentally.

Ramping up at the new job hasn’t been light either and I’ve struggled to grow this newsletter as consistently as I was when it first came out. Not to mention the basic waves of emotions that are relationships, responsibilities and taking care of myself.

To cope with - or I should say, in response to - all that’s going on, I’ve felt more desperate than usual. 

Desperate to grow BetterLife like it was. Desperate to instantly become settled in my new home.

Desperate to get some comfortability and control back into my life.

And that desperation’s made it easier to be open to actions I normally wouldn’t be open to (like posting clickbait..).

We all go through peaks and valleys - that’s not what I want to highlight.

The issue is that until last week I didn’t notice how much more willing I’ve been to do whatever it takes to get back to how things were.

To post that clickbait. To consider switching jobs (again lol), or to just step away from everyone and stick to myself for a bit. 

The peaks and valleys come, but the awareness I lacked is something I wish I could’ve corrected.

My therapist made the observation last week that all of those concessions I just mentioned go against my values.

It’d been since late May and I hadn’t noticed..

It made me realize my efforts to get back to normal were becoming so desperate I was straying from the very path that would take me back that way.

To make matters worse, it’d been so long since I last thought about them that I wasn’t even really aware of what my values were.

“Those who stand for nothing fall for everything.”

-Alexander Hamilton

Everyone loses their way at some point - at multiple points.

What scared me about the past few months wasn’t the environment I was trying to handle but how unaware I was of my willingness to bend my values to feel comfortable and in control again.

In hindsight, knowing what I stood for as I handled the move, new job, and everything else would’ve helped me give myself more grace, peace, acceptance, and patience for what I was going through.

I think I could’ve handled everything better if I had used a bit more awareness to define what I “do” and “don’t do.”

It’s simple, but writing out my values is what I did to hop back on track.

To feel patient and sociable again. To know I don’t need to blow everything up just to be back in control.

Not every day. Maybe not every week. But at least once a month, answer the following question:

What do I value?

Now, valuing something is super broad so let me narrow your search a bit.

The answer to this question can come from answering a second question (I promise, this is the last one):

How do I want to conduct myself if no one in the room knew me?

Given a blank slate, this is how you’d act.

How you’d treat others and what qualities those others have that you want to be around. Part of that is the mood you’d be in - not just for the next few minutes but consistently throughout the next month.

There’s so much more this entails but that’s a start.

All those details create the reflection that is your values (scary, but makes answering the question pretty easy).

For me, one of my values is health. I value being healthy.

How that shows up is in what I eat, my efforts to workout and exercise, what I consume during a weekend, etc.

(This wasn’t the biggest value I was neglecting the past few months though. That’d be patience. But being healthy is the easiest to explain here. Hit my line if you’re curious about how patience is a value and what that looks like!)

There’s no limit to what you value. It’s not a limit of 3 words or 4 areas in life. You can have as little or as many values as you’d like.

The purpose is to define them so you see them.

So you don’t stray down a path for months on end, recognizing life’s uncomfortable and you aren’t your best self but not knowing why.

Knowing your values prevents that from happening perpetually.

We all operate based on values. Whether they’re defined or not, we move through life using our own compass.

Defining what makes that compass push/pull helps us follow it from a more confident place.

A place where you feel comfortable and in control.

What are the first three words that come to mind when you think about your values?

I hope you leave this five minutes a little lighter than when you started.

-Cal